Ninja Worm

By Kent Wicklander

[Cut to side-view of Ninja Worm, alone, in a dark, small room lit only by the television, the flickering light revealing the contours of his face. He is a brown mass, in what seems to be the shape of a fat sausage. His eyes are black dots, and he has a rectangular beak. Camera reveals what is on the television, old Ninja Worm movies. Brief clips from the television introduce characters. Cut back and forth between the television and Ninja Worm's face, lit by the Television. Cue Flashback]

[Scene opens showing the big Hollywood sign, zooms in a bit, and then cut to the outside of a building (a movie studio), and zoom into the building. Then, cut to scene in the movie studio, with Ninja Worm talking to the directors before a scene]

Ninja Worm: Listen guys, this is going to be great, you'll love it. Trust me.

Kent: Absolutely not. You have to follow the script

NW: But this is great, really.

Sean: No, the script is set in stone, no improvisation. Film costs money.

Kent: That's right. Not to mention the fact that we're on a tight schedule.

NW: Fine.

[Scene begins. Ninja Worm is fighting an alien]

NW: Hey alien boy! Got the time!?

[NW hits alien with a clock]

Kent: CUT!

NW: What? Wasn't that great?

Sean: No, it wasn't. We're going to have to shoot it again.

Kent: Jesus, you're impossible.

[Cut back to Ninja Worm watching TV. Cut to his show again, show him (in the movie) talking to Buff and Manta Man. Begin second flashback]

[Scene opens with Ninja Worm at a funeral, giving a eulogy]

NW [Holding ice cream cone… and bottle of alcohol (holding via levitation in front of NW.)]: Buff was the best friend a guy could every have. He was the only friend I had. He told me everything. I'll never forget him, but to be fair, with him gone, I'll get more screen time in my movies. He was good, but he was never as good as me. Some would say he even detracted from my performance. HE STOLE MY THUNDER! I'm going to throw my ice cream onto that coffin.... I WILL THROW MY ICE CREAM RIGHT ON TO THAT COFFIN....

[NW Throws ice cream cone onto coffin, and begins head butting at the coffin. Crowd gasps]

NW: You bastard! I hate you! I AM BETTER THAN YOU! Look at you now! I AM THE KING! WHO'S STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW!? AND WHO'S DEAD!? HUH!? I AM GOD!

[NW starts chugging down the alcohol, and then pours more alcohol on the coffin, and grabs (levitates) a candle and uses it to light the coffin on fire]

NW: Burn Buff, burn!

[People run up to coffin to try to extinguish the fire, and others tackle NW to the ground. Kent and Sean approach the front of the church, absolutely horrified]

Kent: Listen Ninja Worm; don't even bother coming in to work tomorrow.

NW: Why not?

Kent: You've just crossed the line. You're fired.

NW: You can't make movies without me. Your whole studio revolves around me. Remember when you tried to make that movie without me?

[Fade to “Supersoft vs the Ninjas”, show it in its entirety. “Supersoft” is the substitute for “Microsoft”, which is unlikely to want to lend their name]

[Supersoft vs the Ninjas:

Show generic title screen, and then show a number of ninjas running around, yelling and screaming.

Cut to the ninjas getting into a Saturn, and driving off, swerving all over the road.

Cut to a side view of cars at a stop light, and the Saturn drives up beside them in the foreground.

Show the window of the Saturn, with all of the ninjas having their faces pressed against the glass.

Cut to the driver of the car next to the Saturn, her face completely bewildered.

Saturn stops at a gas station, some ninjas get out, running around and screaming. One runs into the gas station. Old bearded man working there asks if they are the legendary ninjas that are trying to topple the “Supersoft” empire. Ninja responds by screaming, running back outside and getting in car. One ninja is too slow, and as the car starts, he runs in front of it and gets run over. The car, apparently the driver being oblivious to what has just happened, then drives off into the distance.

Cut to a distant shot of the Supersoft headquarters, as the Saturn drives up and the ninjas get out and run into the building.

Cut to the security camera, and then the security camera's view, in black and white from an aerial perspective. A security guard asks the ninjas what they want, and they scream, and after some more equally pointless “conversation”, the ninjas are handcuffed. Cut to the outside of the building again, only the camera is much closer to the door this time, and show the security guards dragging the ninjas outside and throwing them into the back of the squad car. The words “The End” appear on the screen]

Sean: We're going to be fine. We've been grooming Manta Man to take your spot for a long time.

NW: Manta Man!? You've got to be kidding me!

Kent: No, We're pretty sure Manta Man can take over for you without much trouble.

Sean: Nobody will even notice the difference.

NW: What about my indefinable charm? You can't replace me, you'll regret this.

Sean [Sarcastically]: Oh yeah, I'm sure we will.

[Manta Man walks up, who, unlike Menudo and Ninja Worm, is clearly a man in a suit. He is in a bodysuit with flat “wings” outstretched to his sides. His face is visible through a hole in the front, or underside of the creature, and his arms are exposed via holes in the underside of the wings]

Manta Man: What the hell is going on Ninja Worm?

NW: YOU!

MM: What?

NW: You're the one that wanted to steal my stardom! Well I've got news for you, punk. I've left some pretty big shoes to fill, and you don't have what it takes to fill them! You'll pay for this Manta Man, mark my words!

MM [As Ninja Worm is storming off]: What are you talking about? Why did you set Buff's coffin on fire?

[Ninja Worm storms out of the church, ignoring Manta Man]

[Cut back to present time, to Ninja Worm in his chair watching TV, when a knock on the door is heard. A voice is heard yelling out from behind the door]

Landlord: Let me in Ninja Worm, I know you're in there! I need the rent!

NW: Uhh… I still don't have the rent. I'll definitely have it in a week.

[Landlord smashes door down, is seen fuming]

Landlord [Screaming]: You son of a bitch! You said you would have it today! That's it! Get the hell out of here!

NW: But I don't have anywhere to go! At least give me some time to find another place.

Landlord [Suddenly calm]: No.

[Show Ninja Worm slowly leaving his chair where he was watching old movies, walks out the door sullenly, and is then shown walking the streets at night, lit only by street lights. It's raining very hard. Ninja Worm walks into a bar]

[Ninja Worm enters a bar, dark and murky, cigarette smoke filling the place. NW sits down at the bar to have a drink... or drinks. Ninja Worm chugs drink after drink, and becomes increasingly intoxicated. He turns to see Mr. Menudo with a cigarette in his mouth, swinging a broken bottle around at people, screaming “get away from me”. Mr Menudo has a skull for a head, but otherwise looks like a normal person. He is wearing a black T shirt and jeans, and his skin looks slightly pale but otherwise healthy. Ninja Worm turns back to his drinks and begins to start mumbling, and slowly the mumbling becomes yelling. He swipes all the glasses off of the bar with his torso, all of which shatter on the ground. Menudo and NW continue to make a scene, throwing things and screaming, until they are literally thrown out of the bar on their asses]

NW: Hey Mr. Menudo, didn't see you at the funeral.

Menudo: Yeah, I didn't go. I've been here all night. I wasn't exactly invited…I don't think they trust me, what with my excessive drinking.

NW: You didn't miss much. I just set his coffin on fire and got fired by Kent and Sean.

Menudo: What!? Why?

NW: I guess they didn't care for me burning his corpse. Seems extremely excessive to me, but I guess they have their reasons. Either way, I'm out of a job.

Menudo: Well, they let me go a while back. Me and Malarkey tried pitching a spin-off, a sitcom sort of like Seinfeld.

[Fade out to Mr. Malarkey, Mr. Menudo, sitting in an apartment reminiscent of the one in Seinfeld. Menudo and Malarkey are sitting on a couch watching TV, when the buzzer goes off. Menudo walks over to it]

Menudo: Who is it?

Jeremy: It's me. Let me come up.

Menudo: Okay. [Buzzes him up]

[Menudo sits back down, waits in silence. Eventually Jeremy (an average person) arrives. Knocks on door, Menudo lets him in]

Jeremy: Hey guys. What do you have to eat?

Malarkey: Some Chinese leftover from last night. Want some?

[Camera zooms extremely tight into Jeremy's face. His jaw drops]

Jeremy: MO MONEY MO MONEY MO MONEY!!!

[Canned laughter, blending into cheers and applause]

[Jeremy gets some Chinese food, sits down with them on couch, watches TV and eats Chinese food]

[Fade back]

Menudo: It didn't work out. Turns out people weren't receptive to us as likeable characters. I think Malarkey is a lawyer now. I'm living off the money I made working for Kent and Sean.

NW: Come to think of it, I don't exactly have a steady income right now either. I'd been saving up my cash, but a few weeks ago I broke down and went to the horse races. I'd been hearing about this incredible super Fish-Horse, with all the benefits of being a horse without the problems, and all of the positive attributes of being a fish without the negative ones. It was supposed to be invincible, unbeatable. Well, turns out it couldn't breathe outside of water, so it died. Lost my life savings.

Menudo: Well… what are we going to do?

NW: Well… I guess we have to get some sort of job. I've just been evicted, I have no place to live.

Menudo: Until you can get back on your feet, you can feel free to stay at my place, but we're both going to need to get some sort of income right away…

Ninja Worm: Hey, that's great. Thanks.

[Manta Man leads Ninja Worm to his house, and opens the door. Ninja Worm follows him into his house, which is dark and dirty. He leads Ninja Worm into his living room, where his son is sitting in a chair, watching television. His son is a fat, bearded, middle aged slob with a scratchy voice due to years of smoking]

Menudo: We have a guest, would you like to greet him?

Son: …

Menudo: Come on, say hello.

Son: …

Menudo: Say hello to our visitor!

Son [In thick southern accent]: Stop it, dad.

Menudo [Losing control, beginning to spit when yelling]: SAY HELLO TO OUR VISITOR DAMNIT!

Son: Stop it, dad.

[Menudo then begins to yell at his son unintelligibly, becoming extremely flustered]

NW: Hey, Menudo. Calm down.

Menudo: Sorry Ninja Worm, I just lose it sometimes.

NW: Anyway, that's your son? Looks just like you, can really see the resemblance. Hey, wait, you aren't human… how can you have children?

[6 second silence in which no one moves or speaks, but NW and Menudo both stare blankly at walls]

Son: Hey, anybody want a beer?

NW: Sure. [Son leaves room] Hey Menudo, do you have any pets?

Menudo: Actually yeah, I have one of those Pet Rocks. Not the ones that are actual rocks, but the genetically engineered ones.

NW: I've heard about those, what are they like?

Menudo: Well, basically it's just a bunch of random organs contained in a thin layer of skin, almost like a plastic grocery bag. It can't move, but it can let out a shrill blood-curdling scream. It really only ever does that when it's hungry. It eats grass, so I just leave it in the lawn and when it has eaten all the food it can reach, it screams until I move it to another area that hasn't been eaten yet.

NW: Wow…

Menudo: Hey, I've got an interview tomorrow for the regional manager position at Best Buy. You want to come along, apply for the same position?

NW: Sure, that'd be great. Surely they wouldn't turn both of us down.

[Cut to Ninja Worm and Menudo in a waiting room. Receptionist comes out, says the interviewer is ready to see Menudo. When she looks down at him, she reels back in shock. NW gets up too. Receptionist pauses, frowns, but Menudo nods and smiles. Receptionist nods hesitantly, and leads them into the room with the interviewer]

Interviewer [Jaded and monotone]: Who the hell are you?

Menudo [Reading prepared statement from a piece of paper he pulls out of his pocket and holds in his trembling hands]: Hello, My name is Mr. Menudo. This is my friend Ninja Worm. We're both applying to be the regional manager here at your fine organization.

Interviewer: Tell me a little about yourself…selves.

Menudo [Clearly stressed]: When I was little, I went to the circus and got cotton candy. I…Yes…I like cotton candy. [stuttering] I remember one time I went to the store and bought a sandwich. Sandwich. Sandwich…..SANDWICH.

Interviewer: …Okay. Ninja Worm?

NW: Well, back in 1903, there were two men that were having a race to create the first functioning steam engine. There was Henry Ford, and Diamonds McDougal. They both ended up building trains simultaneously, and they both even were to be tested at the same time…on the same track! Incredible. In any case, neither man knew of the other man's test, and the trains were headed right towards each other! Once the drivers realized that they were on a crash course, it was too late. The trains crashed into each other with tremendous velocity, and the incredible force of the impact was so pure, that I emerged from the ensuing explosion.

Interviewer: No, that's not true at all. Look, I don't see any reason that I would want to hire either of you. I'm going to tell you right now, I'm not going to give either of you this job.

[Menudo and NW walk out sullenly]

[Fade out, fade into Menudo's house. Menudo, Menudo's son, and Ninja Worm are “decorating” the “Kreezmon tree”. The tree is an inflated green cylinder, about 6 feet high, and it is staying inflated via an electric pump (which is making a great deal of noise). Menudo is melting the “Kreezmon ornaments” in a pot, while NW and Menudo's son are using wooden spoons to splatter the melted ornaments on the “tree” as more are added to the pot]

Menudo: Boy, I can't wait for KREEZMON. It's Kreezmon eve tomorrow, I wonder if we'll get to see the Kreezmon Beast.

Ninja Worm: Yeah, it's exciting, but I can't stop thinking about how broke I am. Our prospects aren't looking too good are they?

Menudo [Still melting ornaments]: I'm afraid not. I don't know what we're going to do. I still have enough money to live on for a while, but I'm going to need an actual source of income sooner or later.

Ninja Worm [Sloshing slime-ornaments on tree with wooden spoon]: And I can't mooch off of you forever, I'm going to need to get back on my feet.

Menudo: What can we do?

Son [While decorating “tree”]: You know, there's always crime.

Menudo: Usually, I wouldn't think twice about it, but we're in dire straits.

NW: You know… that's really not that bad of an idea.

Son: You guys should rob a bank. [Lights cigarette]

Menudo: All right! Let's do it.

[Fade to scene where NW and Menudo walk into a bank. Everybody stops what they are doing and stare perplexed at the two creatures. Ninja Worm has a megaphone levitating in front of his face. Menudo is carrying an extremely elaborate trident. Bank teller puts her arms up]

NW [Through megaphone]: Hey, can we have some money?

Teller: Yes! Take whatever you want!

Menudo: Wow! This is great!

NW: Thanks ma'am!

Menudo: We need to do this more often!

NW: Absolutely! We gotta find out where some other banks are.

[Fade out, fade in at police station, where the police chief is typing on a computer when younger officer frantically runs in with a piece of paper]

Officer: Sir! We've just received news of a bank robbery down on 3 rd street!

Chief [Jumps out of chair, grabs coat]: Let's get going!

[They get in a car, drive down to the bank. They get out of the car and walk in]

Chief: Excuse me ma'am, we got word of a robbery. Is that correct?

Teller: Yes it is! It was a giant worm and a guy with a skull for a head!

Chief: Sounds like an open and shut case. Come with me to the station so we can get a description of the culprits.

[Cut to police station. Teller, chief, and artist in a room with the artist putting finishing touches on his picture]

Artist: All right, done. How does this look?

[Show picture: looks nothing like Ninja Worm]

Teller: Oh my god, it's like a photograph!

Chief: We're on it.

[Fade out, resume scene at night in NW's room, where he is in bed. A faint muffled voice is heard, and NW sits up in bed. He slowly slips onto the floor, and sneaks into the living room silently. Upon arriving in the living room, he sees a huge spotlight shining in the windows, searching around. The source of the light is moving, and it slowly moves within sight of the windows, and it is revealed to be a large black helicopter. A voice is heard over a megaphone from the helicopter, but what it is saying is indistinguishable]

NW [Yelling]: It's the cops!

Menudo [Slowly and groggily entering the room]: What? Oh, Ninja Worm, have you forgotten what day it is? It's Kreezmon, and that's just the Kreezmon Beast's arrival.

[The windows suddenly shatter as a bear with a rope tied from it to the helicopter swings through the window from the momentum of the helicopter. The bear just lays there in the room surrounded by the shattered glass]

Menudo [Nonchalantly]: Let's get back to bed. We'll deal with the Kreezmon Beast in the morning.

[Fade to next morning. The “Kreezmon Beast” is just laying on the floor not moving]

Menudo: That bank robbery was a huge success, but we need more cash.

NW: Hey… let's rob the police station.

Menudo: That's a great idea. They're probably loaded!

NW: Yeah! Our last robbery was such a success, this one surely will be too!

[Fade to inside of police station. Doors burst open, as Ninja Worm and Mr. Menudo enter with their aforementioned weapons]

Ninja Worm: Give us the money!

[Several police officers pull guns on the two. Others just continue on with their business]

Menudo: This is bad, isn't it?

NW: I guess we're going to need a lawyer. Know any?

[Cut to courtroom. Ninja Worm and Menudo are sitting next to Mr. Malarkey, who is dressed in a suit]

Menudo [To Malarkey]: How do you think we're doing?

Malarkey: It's looking pretty good, I think. I'm just going to go ahead and give the closing statement.

Malarkey [To jury]: In conclusion…

Judge [Southern accent]: Waaaaaaaaaait….ain't ‘choo a dinosaur-man?

Malarkey: Well…I guess you could say –

Judge: If there's one thing my mother taught me, it's to never trust a dinosaur-man. But I'll be damned if you aren't a straight shooter. THIS IS AMERICA! AAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHH!!!!! [Stands up, throws arms into air, continues screaming, and then just freezes with his arms up, mouth open]

[Everybody in the audience throws arms into air and begins to cheer madly]

Menudo: What is this? I don't get it…

NW: So what, that's it?

[Screen shows the word “FIN”]

[Show credits]