01/20/10
"Mitch Strikeline here from San Antonio Fusion Radio and if you answer the following trivia question correctly you will win two free tickets to Mos Def's family Thanksgiving get-together. And believe me, his Aunt Mildred makes a Meat Loaf that's out of this world."
08/18/09
"The giant spider queen wasn't always like this, though. It all goes back to 6th grade when she had a huge crush on Kevin "Fire Warrior" Danielson. When she asked him to the big dance, though, he cowered back and screamed "OH GOD! GIANT SPIDER!" This left the giant spider queen depressed and bitter, so she began to accumulate her evil horde of spider minions to exact revenge on the very society that once rejected her. The lesson here is to be careful what you say to giant spider queens."
04/19/09
"Look, it’s not a hot button issue anymore; nobody cares who let the dogs out. But I’ve got this spreadsheet here with an empty cell under the “let the dogs out” heading, and my supervisor has been bugging me about it all year. I just need a value to put in there. I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about this."
03/13/09
"In these cowboy tough times, genuine hats are in high demand. Sell yours now, and you'll get a pretty penny for it. But know that one day, down the road, your eyes will melt into blood."
09/10/08
"Mr. Mannish is very particular about his things. Now when he arrives this morning, you are to promptly serve him his coffee. He likes it with little pieces of bird shit strewn about the cup. Before lunch you are to spread mayonnaise all around the inside of his mouth. For lunch he will have frozen bones with cake icing - that's his favorite so don't mess it up. Finally for dinner, I'm just going to kill you and bury you in the backyard."
06/28/08
"I hate to do this to you ma’am, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop lighting people on fire in the restaurant or we will have to escort you out of the establishment."
03/01/08
"Mustard can drag any ordinary man into his own grave."
01/20/08
"The spiders took my sister to a spider-party."
11/21/07
"I’m sorry sir, but we only sell internets in bulk. Fortunately, the expiration date isn’t for 3 whole months, which is plenty of time to use all of those internets before they go sour."
10/21/07
"I think one of the greatest joys a father can experience, is watching his son be put in a sleeper hold by his mother. I believe it's the wife's job to put the child in a sleeper hold."
08/11/07
"Before Earth was Earth… Earth was Mars. All of Mars that remains today is located in present day Arizona."
06/14/07
"I'll have you know, my son is the fattest little boy on either side of the Rio Grande."
01/21/07
"When I'm doin' my work, you better watch out, when I'm washing my shirt - there is no doubt. I'm a steamboat, jews and gentiles, and I've been that way for years. I'm going to adopt a child, and drown him in my fears..."
10/27/06
"Look Johnny, your sales are up, and you're really starting to show that you can rise to a challenge. That's why instead of a Christmas bonus this year, I'm just gonna give you a bunch of bonus baaaaaintssss."
"But I... I don't want bonus points... I want my bonus pay."
"wait, what? you aren't...turning down my offer... are you?"
"Well it's just that I made the numbers and I think I deserve payment rather than "boints"."
"Look, I pulled a LOT of strings to get you these boints, the least you could do is show a little appreciation. I had to kill a man for those boints. I really wanted to demonstrate our appreciation for all of your hard work... I'm just sorry that you can't appreciate ours."
"I've made a mistake. Yes, I'll gladly accept these boints. And I'll risk my life for their safe return.... to the ocean."
"Good. But in my rage at your unappreciation, I ordered my goons to kill you, and they are on their way up here right now. Your best bet would probably be to jump out the window, assuming you brought your parachute."
09/11/06
What?! You lost the Stanely accounts? Jeff, what were you thinking? Mr. Jenkins is gonna have our heads for this! You gotta find them. If we don't find those files, we're done! Finished! Good as Dead! Finito! Filing for divorce from our stupid and overly sensitive wives, who want custody of the kids but I'm not going to let them have those god damned kids!!! DO YOU HEAR!?! I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY FUCKING WORTHLESS CHILDREN AWAY, YOU SATANIC BITCH!! I'M GOING TO TEACH THEM GERMAN, AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO FORM AN ARMY, AND WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!!! DO YOU HEAR ME, HELEN!?!? WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!!! WITH MORTAR SHELLS, AND PANZERS!!!
08/07/06
"Oh my god…I have never seen so many asterisks in my life. Look, those look like asterisk larvae. My god…we must be in the asterisk hive! We’d better get the hell out of here, before we wake the queen asterisk!"
07/22/06
"Hey man, you'd better not open that bag...that's the THUNDER bag. YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT AWAITS YOU IN THE THUNDER BAG..."
07/09/06
You know something son…I know you’ve been hearing about “Intelligent Design” and “Evolution”, but I think you’re old enough to handle the truth. It all began 50 years ago, when I was hatched out of an intergalactic egg, and since I couldn’t exist without existence, my existence led to everything else. Well, except for dolphins. I had nothing to do with dolphins. I hate dolphins.
05/18/06
"Let's all jump on the bandwagon let's all do the awesome swish swish. Do you know swish swish? I don't, can you enjoy the big bad time? Woah man, that's awesome. Let's try that again with sauce!"
05/05/06
"You know what it’s like, to live your entire life, and never be touched by the golden dragon? To never see or feel the spirit of the thunderbird in your soul? I know what that’s like. I’m the only one who fucking knows what that feels like, you son of a bitch. You don’t know anything... your so naive. Why don’t you cook something for once? I pay the bills in this house, damn it. I’m the man, in this house. What are you looking at? Huh? You always gotta stare like that? You ungrateful bitch. You’re lucky the kids are here. Oh god are you lucky the kids are here."
04/14/06
"Gentlemen... I've been with this company for some time now and I've seen some mistakes. Damn it, I've seen some big mistakes. But the biggest mistake of them all, is that not a single employee in this office.... is currently on a horse."
02/05/06
"I don't know what's right and what's wrong. I do however know, that a man needs to do what he feels in his gut.. and my gut is telling me to take a shit into your kid's mouth."
12/25/05
"I’ve been shoveling trash around for the vast majority of my life, but it’s time that I stood up for myself. You can’t keep telling me what to do. I’m not your little baby boy anymore, dad. I’m not a garbage boy…I’m a garbage MAN."
12/18/05
"Well, Tim.. you're mom and I met at a small restaurant outside of Gainesville in.. '83 I think it was. Boy, was I nervous. She was the prettiest thing I'd ever layed eyes on and I couldn't give her a good line to save my life. Luckily for this ole' dope she decided to give me another chance after that night and we ended up getting married a year later. The end. Okay, now that was the last bedtime story for tonight. Now I need you to take this hammer, and this stake.... and go into mommy's room, and drive the stake through her heart with that hammer - because mommy's a vampire"
11/10/05
"Before I tell you what I'm about to tell you, you must know that I did everything I could to prevent the death of your parents - I fought tooth and nail. Okay, here it goes.... I killed your parents."
10/17/05
"Ha, my son's 5 years old so of course he's got a sweet tooth. 'Ice cream, ice cream, daddy, ice cream' he's always saying. Can't blame him, I was the same way when I was his age [chuckle]. So I decide one night, that since he loves ice cream so much, I should give it to him. So I buy nearly two dozen gallons of freezing cold ice cream from the grocery store and make my son sleep with them in his bed, without clothes, or sheets. I wake up the next morning, and he's dead."
09/12/05
"So let me get this straight... you're going to stab me twice in the thigh, and then I'm supposed to propose to your wife, while slowly tearing off my own arms?"
08/27/05
"Alright, class... let's all create things. You can create anything you'd like, feel free to express yourselves in any way you'd like. For instance, I've made a train with this paper here, because I like trains. But if I were Sung, I'd cut up my paper into very, very small pieces, so that it looked like rice... because that's what Chinese people like."
08/04/05
"I often act like my son is invisible and that I can't hear a word that he is saying to me. No matter how hard he tries to communicate with me, I completely shut him out. It's sort of a game we play.... one that's been going on since he was born. Isn't that hilarious?"
07/18/05
"There comes a time in every man's life when he has to hustle."
05/25/05
"That guy is huge. Wow! did you just see that? I can't believe it, he lifted that enormous guy up right over his head, like he was just a relatively large ferret!"
03/01/05
"You like the sauce Daddy made, Jimmy? Huh? You like Daddy's sauce? It tastes good on the turkey doesn't it? Go ahead... [hands Jimmy saucer], pour on a little more, there... you know what that sauce is made of..? It's made of mommy... see, Daddy cut mommy up to little bits and then put her in the blender to make that sauce.. Mmmm, it tastes good, doesn't it? Tell daddy you love him, Jimmy.... go on... say it."
01/07/05
"I liked it better when the black people wore chains..."
12/31/04
"Bill was always a good friend... I know everyone here's going to miss'em, but if he were here right now.. he'd be telling jokes and making everyone laugh, and I think he'd want us all to try our best to enjoy ourselves today. Ha, funny story about Bill and I, when we went fishing... we were in our boat [chuckle], and Bill said 'Ron, could'ya pass me the reel?', Ha, so I stabbed and killed him..."
12/14/04
"YOU CAN DO ANYTHING...IF YOU TRY YOUR BEST..."
11/10/04
"Dr. Egypt says that all black people should be shot. I don't agree with him, though. Dr. Egypt was kept at a holding camp by the Cherokee when he was young and abused physically, mentally, and sexually. I asked him why it was black people he hated and not Native Americans.... he said because it was black slaves who forced the Native Americans to make camps and hurt people."
10/05/04
"I shouldn't have to pay taxes to keep the bridge on fire."
08/26/04
"In essence... birds are not enemies. Think of them as black people.... yes, they're annoying and loud, but sometimes you just have to accept that you can't assimilate things that are so stupid.."
08/19/04
<*)))))))))))))))))><
06/27/04
"It's simple, gentlemen... Gorpanx rules over all. There shouldn't be any questions... it's so straightforward that even a baby could understand - GORPANX.. IS.. TOP. What do I have to explain? If you need any explanation then you're not very smart. Gorpanx tells you what to do, and you do it.... so why don't you just shut up? Can you do that? Can you just shut up for a second? Just for a fucking second?! I mean are you smart enough for that?! I HATE YOU... I HATE YOUR STUPID SLANTY-EYED FACE."
06/03/04
"Oh man! this place is just CRAWLING with CASTLES!"
05/21/04
"Are you sure this isn't your first total knee replacement? "
05/05/04
This business is like a poker game gentlemen... you just ever know what the other guy's got. You're gonna get nervous, you're gonna win some... but you'll lose more - and believe me, you'll definitely grow a few more gray hairs [chuckle]. But the payoff is like no other... the experience is truly rewarding. Now I want all of you to go out there... and rape women to the best of your abilities.
04/20/04
Hey, remember when I drowned?
04/11/04
Listen, son. If you really love me, you will name your first born child 'Johnny Locomotion', and have your wife's name legally changed to 'Train Face'. If you don't, I will start drinking again. A lot.
03/04/04
IF YOU WANT TO BE THE GOOD STUDIO AUDIENCE THEN YOU WILL GIVE US NORN. IF YOU DO NOT GIVE US NORN YOU ARE NOT GOOD STUDIO AUDIENCE. PURPOSE OF STUDIO AUDIENCE IS TO MAKE NORN. YOU BETTER MAKE NORN OR FEEL THE HORN. MAKE NORN OR FEEL THE HORN. MAKE NORN OR FEEL THE HORN. HORN, HORN, HORN... GIVE IT.
02/08/04
Ahh gosh, I tell ya... I love my family. My wife is just the best, and I couldn't be prouder of my son. I mean, Mary is always their when I come home from a hard day of work knowing just what I want for dinner and my son's makin' good grades in school, and he's not too shabby at baseball either, ha. But if I were to ever get a tatoo, It would probably be a picture of my son stabbing my wife to death.
01/22/04
It's pretty big these days, ya know? I've never tried it before, but everyone's doin' it. I mean, I'm a pretty conservative guy so I asked a professional. So the doctor says, 'Sure thing, installing ABSOLUTE STRONGZ into people's brains is pretty easy these days, what with all the new technology I mean...
01/05/04
No.. we can't, we have to wait for LOBSTER MAN.
12/21/03
What? What? What? What did you say? FUCK, SHIT, FUCK! Is that what you say? Listen up, BITCH! It's time for a burn! What was that, BITCH?! It's time for a burn! You're a whore!!! You're a stupid whore!!! I hate you!!! FUCK!!! FUCK THIS SHIT!!! I HATE YOU!!!! FUCK!!!! SCREW YOU, I HATE YOUR ASS!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!! FUCK!!! It's time for a burn...
11/29/03
Mr. President, there is now several guard waiting for you in helichopter. Are you ready to rock?
11/21/03
The future is ground
11/11/03
What do you mean that you giving sugar to space creature?
11/04/03
Never understimate the OTHER GUY'S... FLEES!!!
10/15/03
Women were born to clean, and men were born to hit women... a lot.
09/24/03
Strength in.... LUMBERS..
9/14/03
Don't go over there...it's dangerous. The world has been boobie-trapped by lizards...
9/02/03
It is now fact, that poets from the future hate magicians from the past. And that they've been rivals since the beginning of time...
8/22/03
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08/13/03
Remember that time when I was down by the lake, mourning the death of my grandfather, and your son came over to me and started making fun of me, and I beat the shit out of him with my bat, and when you asked me to pay the hospital bill and I refused, and you sued me but I had more money so I hired a better lawyer and won, even though you should have? Man, that was hilarious.
08/02/03
FA'AHBAWWWL!
07/05/03
A lot of the time, I don't even like to drink and smoke - it's just a habit, I guess. It's not as if it pays off or anything. I know it's unattractive and that's probably why I only attract other smokers. My family hates it, they always say I should quit... but it's hard, ya know? I RAPE WOMEN AND I LIKE RAPING WOMEN...
06/16/03
Eventually son, you're going to die... because I'm going to kill you...
05/27/03
What I've managed to do here is develop a sort of glass dome which we can all live in. Of course it's in its very early stages and lacks the basics like running water, heating and cooling systems, and 'the facilities'... - basics which I have no plans on adding.
05/17/03
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a scientist. I've never claimed to be a good one [colleagues chuckle], but I'm a scientist none the less. Ladies and Gentlemen, I've had had sex with every single one of your wives - even you ladies. You women may think that you don't have wives, but that's not the case. You see, I at one point in my tenure here, have drugged and legally married you to another woman for the sake of having sex with that other woman... It's funny isn't it?
05/01/03
Well Thomas, it's not that your not qualified for the job... but you're black... and I don't like that. Now, is it at all possible to maybe... ya' know... change that?
04/20/03
Put the mud all over your body so the Ted Kennedy Crab won't see you...
04/12/03
Listen... son. It's not that Daddy doesn't love you, I just.. I just hate your face - I mean, just looking at it makes me want to kill someone. You understand, don't you? TELL ME I'M A GOOD FATHER...TELL ME I DIDN'T RUIN YOUR LIFE..
04/05/03
If cows can make coins...why don't they?
03/23/03
Hey back off, Wonder-Feelings. I know he's a lot of trouble, but he's my son, and I love him...
03/13/03
Tooth Shwarb
02/22/03
Judge Spinnachiro
02/03/03
You'll never make it in this buisness, kid.