Breaking news this evening, as Osama Bin Laden has been captured by the CIA. He has claimed that he is not Bin Laden, but is rather "Bill Gates". However, it is clear to anybody with a right mind that he is in fact Osama. He has been sentenced to life in "a pool of slime". Here is a picture of Osama, you can see for yourself.

In other news today, the automobile manufacturer Ford has announced a new vehicle called the "Inspiration-mobile". the new vehicle's selling point is the fact that it is actually alive. This may seem at first to be a problem, as feeding it gourmet food can be time consuming, expensive, and annoying, but if you treat it well, it will out-perform any other vehicle on the market. It "Inspires" you to take good care of it. However, if you treat it badly, it will become stubborn and will either perform very badly, or not move at all and just cry until you cheer it up. The vehicle acts like a pet or a child, as it can make noises to indicate it's feelings. The Inspiration-mobile is out of the price range for most people, as it costs well over $1,000,000. The only initial candidate for sale was Bill Gates, but he could not be reached for an interview.

The Bird saga also presents some unfortunate news. The nuclear weapon was launched at the bird, but unfortunately missed and decimated downtown Las Vegas. The amount of money lost is immeasurable at this point, and the casualties are between 20 and 80 thousand. The military is cautiously optimistic about the bird's destruction, but remains prepared for another strike. There are also rumors of a "nest" sighting containing "eggs". These "eggs" apparently contain more, younger, swifter creatures. If these eggs are allowed to hatch, the world is most certainly doomed.

Be sure to check back for more updates.