11/10/06

The World's Greatest Lawyer

Opening Statement


You see, on the night in question, I was in my client’s neighborhood, and I decided to stop by and sneak in. when I entered, I saw my client’s wife lying on the floor in a puddle of blood, with my client nowhere to be found. What I DID find however, was a tape recorder. Yes, this was at the scene of the crime, but I took it before the police arrived. On this tape is proof of my client’s innocence. Allow me to play it.

Tape: “I didn’t kill her”.

Well, there you have it, clearly my client is innocent. But you know what? When I was there, I saw who REALLY did it… and it was YOU! [Points to woman in audience] I saw you holding a bloody knife! You wanted to kill her, your sister, because you were jealous of her winning the jump-rope contest 30 years ago!

Lawyer as Witness, Being Cross-Examined by Prosecutor


Prosecutor: “Why did you go to your client’s house, before you had even met him, and why didn’t you call the police upon realizing what had happened?”

Witness: “It just felt like the thing to do, like I was being controlled by some sort of supernatural force”.

Prosecutor: “It turns out the woman you accused is not only unrelated to the victim, but she is confirmed by over 50 witnesses to have been over 600 miles away at the time of the crime”.

Witness: “Honest mistake, I guess I got carried away. Look, my client is black, so we’re all inclined to assume his guilt, but I urge you to consider the evidence. Forget the blood on his clothes, forget the DNA tests, forget the confession, just listen to the tape. Once this silly trial is thrown out, we can go after the real criminal. She may not have the same DNA as her sister, and anybody can pass a lie detector test these days. And you trust those 50 witnesses over me? They’re all murderers, trying to cover up their associate, obviously. I saw her at the scene, trust ME.

Oh, also, she tried to kill me with the knife, but I was too strong, and I defeated her. Also, at the time of the murder, my client was teaching sign language to deaf under-privileged inner-city school children. Go ahead, check the records… actually don’t, but he was there, I saw him, as I was teaching the deaf kids too. So he clearly couldn’t have done it.”

Prosecutor: “So you knew him before you broke into his house?”

Witness: “No. Wait, yes, because we worked together with the blind kids.”

Prosecutor: “You mean deaf kids?”

Witness: “Yeah.”

Prosecutor: “How is a tape of your client saying that he didn’t kill her prove his innocence? It shows he was there and saw that she was dead and left without reporting it, completely invalidating your alibi that he was with you teaching deaf children at the time of the crime”.

Witness: “What, are you calling him a liar? You know… now that I think about it, I saw YOU at the scene! You were chopping up the body and putting it into a bag! No wonder you want to convict this innocent man, you criminal!”

Closing Statement


If you’re a mature person that understands the real world, then you know that not everything is painted in black and white; there are shades of gray. Sure, my client was at the scene of the crime, saw what happened, didn’t report it, and fled the scene. Sure, maybe his fingerprints are on the murder weapon, and her blood is all over his clothes. You’ve got to look at the big picture.

Okay, he killed her, are you happy now!? Can you honestly say she didn’t have it coming? $200 on shoes! And you know what? Half of that was his money that he earned. He lent it to her when she said that she needed it. Like any rational person, he assumed she meant for a medical procedure, food for her children, the roof over her head, or tickets for the football game. But shoes!?

Maybe he overreacted a bit, but keep in mind that she was the one in the wrong here, not him. He did what he thought was right, how can you fault him for that? I urge you to consult your conscience and my testimony, while remembering that I never lie.

You may ask why my client refused to take the stand. Did you ever consider the emotional trauma that he is going through? How would you feel if you lost $100? That’s not chump change my friends. Not only did she blow it on shoes, but they’re blood-stained now, so there’s no taking them back.

In closing, the prosecutor is a child molestor.

Thank you.

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