It's no secret that the idea of implementing the metric system in the united states has been tossed around for many years. It seems a perfectly reasonable idea, and this will likely be a shock to many of you, but after you finish reading, I feel certain that you will agree.

The metric system is garbage.

That's right. But believe you me; the current system in America is no better. What I have devised is a new system of measurement that puts all others to shame.

The SPINE SYSTEM

The first step in this system is to measure the length of your own spine. This is essential, because the length of the spine is the new increment of distance. I will be using the example of "driving a car" to better explain the effects of the system. What's so special about this system is that it's the length of YOUR spine. You see, my system is completely subjective. And since the length of YOUR spine changes, and in my system, the only way to implement the changes into your car's speedometer is to buy a brand new custom made car. It will be marked on your speedometer the same way as you would expect, but your speed will equate to different points on the speedometer when your spine is shorter or longer than usual.

Tall people would naturally be able to drive faster and short people would drive slower, because the markers on the road would not change, and be just the average length of a person's spine. And the way they would be marked would be in terms of pi. For example, something could be 22,572 x pi SPH, which, assuming your spine was exactly a meter (very unlikely) that would equate to roughly 70.91196948 km/h, or 44.319980925mph. Isn't that easy? And the police would be much stricter in this system. If, for example, that speed limit was exact, and you were going the same speed, BUT, your spine was slightly longer than a meter, you would be pulled over and shot.

How would the police know the length of your spine, you ask? It’s really quite simple. If you are going a speed that a police officer suspects might be remotely too fast for your height, he will pull you over, and tear your spine out of your back, and measure it. If the officer is right, and you were speeding, you will be shot. Not that it matters, since you’re dead due to your spine being ripped out. You die whether or not you were speeding, if you are suspected, you’re doomed.

Everything else will continue to be measured in years.