4/6/05

With the recent death of the Pope, I was thinking of all the things he didn't do, and maybe the next pope will. I think it would be a tremendous advantage for the next pope to be insane. It doesn't matter where he comes from, but I do think that I have some great ideas for what the next pope could do. I don't know a lot about the Pope's duties, but from what I understand, once elected, he is considered the direct messenger from God, and thus infallible. Knowing that, it would seem that he could get away with doing pretty much anything, and the Catholics would have to accept it as gospel. Here's what I imagine…

“Pope Zeus” is elected Pope, but does not show his face until several days later. At that point, he appears on the balcony, and introduces the people to his posse – three pet alligators. Their names are Phil, Dennis, and “Jesus Xtreme”. Jesus Xtreme, the Pope claims, is Jesus reborn, but with sharp teeth (hence “Xtreme”). From this point forward, he brings these alligators with him on leashes wherever he goes, which usually isn't very far from the Vatican . He does accept the occasional visitor though, although they do usually end up eaten by the alligators. Jesus-X is the most vicious of the alligators, and while the other alligators only eat visitors when they are told to by the Pope (which is surprisingly often), J-X eats whenever he gets the opportunity.

He then presents to his followers the newest Papal tradition, a tradition carried on from “The Late Show with David Letterman” in which they throw paint, water balloons, fruit, etc. off the balcony and onto the ground. From this point on, whenever the Pope appears on the balcony, this is what he does. He makes no speeches, no declarations, he does not speak a word; he simply throws things off the balcony, with one exception.

Pope Zeus does carry on one tradition, that being the blessing of things. He conveys God's thoughts on earthly people and things by blessing them. However, this pope does not follow the standard left by past popes. This pope has no consistent pattern, and when he blesses something, he gives whatever he blesses the opportunity to be marketed as “endorsed by God”. Some of the things he blesses are:

• Roomba (that house cleaning robot)
• Diesel fuel
• Gatorade
• Neutrons (the sub-atomic particle)
• Spider-Man
• Whores
• Clouds
• Heathcliff (the Garfield rip off from several years ago)
• Generic local “classic rock” radio station
• Rope
• Sporks
• Home Depot
• Kevin Bacon
• Bacon
• Beards
• Tornados
• Dinosaurs
• The color “maroon”
• “The Jungle Book” movie
• AK-47s

One thing he does not bless but does have an unusual obsession with, is the older animated television show “Dennis the Menace”. Aside from his occasional blessings, he spends the vast majority of his time sitting in front of a television, watching Dennis the Menace re-runs. Several years into his reign as Pope, he decides that after watching so much Dennis the Menace, he is going to make a spin-off. He writes a script, starring “Mr. Wilson”, and once it's done, reads it from the balcony to all the Vatican 's visitors. They chuckle politely, but are overwhelmingly disappointed, as the Pope has a very unusual sense of humor. There are only 3-4 parts in the 30 minute sitcom that are actually intended to be funny, and most people don't find any of them funny, but since the Pope is infallible, they try very hard to laugh. In fact, network executives crawl all over each other just to put the show on the air. It's initial ratings are average, but fall sharply after the first episode. Regardless, the winning network, NBC, keeps the show on the air for years, up until the pope's death.